You Are Beneath Me

You Are Beneath Me

I'm thinking about the time when, everyday was dark and gloomy, no sun in the sky, no joy in my life.  Surrounded by White Coats and death in the air, but at least a comfortable lazy boy chair to greet me as I walked in.  No promises of a tomorrow laid ahead of me, it was just here and now, do or die, give in or get Taken.  My veins start to fall and hide, my legs starts to quiver, the poison rises in me and I can taste it in the back of my throat.  Why?  I ask, Why is it that if I want to Live I have to Die first?  No one can tell me, there are no answers just silence, and sympathy looks from everyone, after four hours of sitting and receiving every last drop of poison that my body could take, I rise from the comfortable Lie of a chair and nearly fall back down, but I don't allow myself to give in just yet, I have to get home, I have to get to my kids, a storm was coming in and I needed to beat it home.  I speed down the small streets cutting in and out of traffic and at the same time feeling so nauseous, so weak, so Lifeless, thinking what have I agreed to?  What have I allow them to do to me? Shaking my head I finally pulled up in the driveway, stumbling and dropping shit out of my hands trying to make it to the front door, but no need to look for the house key because the ones who love me opened the door for me watching in dismay, not knowing what they can say or do to take my pain away but just the fact that they want to was enough for me to keep the battle going on between me and this treacherous monster that has taken over inside of me.  All through the night I lay in agony, and my skin is on fire.  How the hell? I'm thinking madly out loud... Ending up hugging the base of a porcelain hole in the ground taking all the crap that is coming out of my mouth burning my lips and inflaming my lungs.  I don't do drugs, I haven't slept with anyone carelessly, and I haven't had a blood transfusion, yet I have a deadly cell inside of me and her name is Hodgekins Lymphoma.   It is now eight years later, and I'm still here, so yes by now you can say I won the battle, I took all they gave me with no arguments, but your wrong, I haven't won, nor did I lose.  She didn't leave quietly, she made sure I would never forget her.  Everyday my head pounds, my vision is not clear, my beautiful mouth has deteriorated, my joints ache with no end, but still I live on.  I will not look back anymore, because She is beneath me.......